The
Empathy Files
-A Personality Exploration-
“Why
Am I the Way I Am?”
How To Understand How One Becomes An Artist
Eric Homan
(Also known as Outsiders, Outcasts, Freaks, Geeks, Losers, Sinners, Uglies, Perverts, Poets, Fools, Radicals,
Revolutionaries, Loners, Atheists, Eccentrics, Weirdoes, Crazies, Criminals, Recluses, Oddballs, Nonconformists, Malcontents, Maniacs,
Mutants, and
Misfits)
Copyright 2009,
Eric Homan
Menu of Contents/ Catharsis
Prologue
Crucial Quotes
The Why
Where Did I Get My Creativity?
The Need to Keep Changing Personas
Confused Dualities
Finding Your Role
Models
Finding Other Individuals and Learning
Sharing My Influences For Our Empathy’s Sake
Healing Through Another’s Words
What
Also Can Be Learned
The Role Model V.I.P. List
Written From Various Stages of My Life
One
Last Thing…
Bored
with Living
Passion
A
“Learning Disability”
(Artistically-Inspired) Attention
Deficit Disorder
Looking
into ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder)
Constant Stimulation
Mild Dyslexia
Public Humiliation
Teasing and Terror/
Fun and Games
Teasing – A Firing
Squad
The
Suicide War
Teased Into Greatness
Self-Expression as “Revenge Alternative”
Competitive Drive
Intense
Ambition
Lack of Recognition
Depression
“Depression +
Happiness / Creativity
X Intelligence Squared
= Genius!?!”
“Fine Depression”
(Super Heroic) Self-Determination
Urgency
Existentialism
Fatalism
Surrealism
Sexual
Energy
Solitude
Singlehood
A Sheltered Existence
Hanging Around
Wasted Time
Hunger
Failure
Reacting to Apathy
An
Inferiority Complex
Jealousy
Anger
Arrogance
Loneliness
Pathos
Transcendence
Panic Attacks
Mediocrity
Discipline
Body Odor
Speech Impediment
Acne
Freckles
Dreaming
Public
Crying
Running Away
Foresight
Alternating
Accents
Life’s
Repetition
Weather
Mysteriousness
Young
in Spirit
Humility
Pheromones
Outcasts
Bullies
- “The Value and
Lesson of Being Teased”
Bullies Are the Real
Terrorists
High School/ Junior High School
The “Glory” of High School
High
School Shelter
Jocks
Rednecks
Women
Mermaids
Peers
- A Competition Between Friends
Growing Up a “Carrot Top”
Being
Different in Society - The Impetus To Dream
Midwest
Small Towns
Custodian Work - My Personal Recipe To Become a Workaholic Dreamer
Factory Work
Video
Store/ Library Education
Libraries as de facto Museums
My Library
A Private Studio Workspace
Mother Nature
Yellowstone
Grand Teton
The Aurora Borealis
The
Universe
Being Underwater
Roller Coasters
Classrooms
Taco
Art and Religion
TV and
Saturday Morning Cartoons
Writers/ Artists/ Critics
-Edgar
Allen Poe
-Stephen
King
-J.R.R.
Tolkien
-C.
S. Lewis
-Mark
Twain
-Dorothy Parker
-Sylvia Plath
-Oscar Wilde
-Truman Capote
-Jack Kerouac
-Allen Ginsberg
-Charles Bukowski
-Hunter S. Thompson
-Philip K. Dick
-Jules Verne
-H. G. Wells
-L. Frank Baum
-Louis
Carroll
-Stephen Hawkings
-Carl Sagan
-Pauline Kael
-Roger
Ebert
-Harry Knowles/
"Ain't It Cool News" website
-Clifford Irving
-Hieronymus Bosch
-Norman Rockwell
-Vincent van Gogh/ Lust for Life
-Paul Gauguin
-Jackson Pollock/ Pollock
-
-Henri
de Toulouse-Lautrec
-Pablo
Picasso
-Joan
Miro
-Frida
Kahlo
-Andy
Warhol
-Ansel Adams
-Leonardo
da Vinci
-Michelangelo
-Joel-Peter Witkin
-Jean-Michel
Basquiat
-Annie Leibowitz
Graphic Novels/ Comic Books
How I Got Back Into
What “Comic Book Culture”’s All About
Key Points for Liking Comics
Arguments For Comic Books
The Maturity and Growth of Comic Books
Recognizing Comic Books as an Art Form
Encouraging Others To Read Good Comic Books and
Graphic Novels
Why Comics Matter
The
Psychology of Comic Book Allure
Exploring Comics as Creative Fuel
Comics as a
Resource for Creativity
Defending Comics
The New Ideas
The
Fantasy Element
Do I Even Read Them?
These Discounted 25-Cent
Comics Were Someone’s Soul
Comic Book Healthy Nostalgia Afternoon
Reading
Comic Books in Solitude
Comic Books and the
Imagination
The Grand Imagination
of Comics
Comic
Book Underground
Thoughts
from a Comic Book Convention
Comic
Book Convention Subculture
Comic Book Confidential
Are Comics Better Than
Movies?
The
Comics Aren’t Just
for Kids
Comics
as a Universal Language
The
Super Hero Costume: Comics Are Basically
Nudie Books in Spandex Drag
Comics
Can Be Sexy
Comic Book as Fetish
Magazines
Comics’ Superhero
Sexual Fetishists!
Super
Hero Comic Books: PG-Rated Pornography for Hormone-Raging Adolescents
A Nostalgic Passion
for Comic Book Women
Spandex-Costumed
Love
The
Female Comic Book Super Hero/ Super Villain
Comic Books and Their
9/11 Connection
Accidental
Comic Book Prophecies – “The John Byrne Curse”
Pick Your Addiction: Collecting
Comics or Alcoholism?
Graphic Novel/ Comic Book/ Cartoon Writers/ Artists/ Animators
-Alan Moore/ “Swamp Thing”, “V for Vendetta”, “Watchmen”,
“Miracleman”
-Neil Gaiman/ “The Sandman”, “Miracleman”
-Dave McKean/ “The Sandman”
-Chris
Claremont/ “The Uncanny X-Men”
-John
Byrne/ “Fantastic Four”, “Alpha Flight”, “The Sensational She-Hulk”, “Next Men”
-Frank
Miller/ “Daredevil”, “The Dark Knight Returns”, “
-Stan
Lee/ “Spider-Man”, “Hulk”, “X-Men”, “Thor”, “Captain America”, “Fantastic
Four”, etc. (The Marvel Superhero Characters)
-Jack
Kirby/ “Fantastic Four”, “Hulk”, “X-Men”, “Thor”, “Captain America”, etc. (The
Marvel Superhero Characters)
-Scott McCloud/ “Understanding Comics”, “Zot!”
-Grant Morrison/ “Animal Man”, “Doom Patrol”, “The Invisibles”
-Warren Ellis/ “Transmetropolitan”, “The Authority”, “The
Planetary”
-Peter Milligan/ “Shade, the Changing Man”
-Mark Millar/ “The Authority”
-Garth Ennis/ “Preacher”, “Hellblazer”, “The Punisher”
-Ed Brubaker/ “Catwoman”, “Daredevil”, “Captain
-Brian K. Vaughan/ “Y: The Last Man”
-Robert Kirkman/ “The Walking Dead”, “Invincible”
-Glenn
Fabry/ “Preacher”, “Hellblazer”
-Brian
Bolland/ “The Killing Joke”
-Frank Frazetta
-Simon Bisley/ “Doom Patrol”/ “Lobo”
-Peter David/ “The Incredible Hulk”, “Peter Parker, The Spectacular Spider-Man”
-Jeff Smith/ “Bone”
-Brian Michael Bendis/ “Ultimate Spider-Man”, “Daredevil”,
“Powers”, “New Avengers”
-Paul
Chadwick/ “Concrete”
-Mike Mignola/ “Hellboy”
-Bill
Sienkiewicz
-Todd
McFarlane/ “Spawn”
-Craig Thompson/ “Blankets”
-Brian
Wood/ “DMZ”, “DEMO”
-Moebius
-Katsuhiro Otomo/ “Akira”
-Daniel Clowes/ “Eightball”, “Ghost World”
-Adrian Tomine/ “Optic
Nerve”
-Gary Larson/ “The Far Side
-Gahan Wilson
-Bill Watterson/ “Calvin and Hobbes”
-Dr. Seuss
-Matt
Groening/ “Life Is Hell”/ “The Simpsons”
-Mike Judge/ “King of the Hill”, “Beavis and Butthead”
-Trey Parker & Matt Stone/ “
-Charles
M. Schulz/ “Peanuts”
- R. Crumb (Robert Crumb)/ Crumb
-Harvey Pekar/ “American Splendor”
-Art Spiegelman/ “Maus”
-Terry
Moore/ “Strangers in
-Walt Disney
-Ollie Johnson & Frank Thomas
-
-Max Fleisher
-Jan
Svankmajer
-Ray Harryhausen
-Bruce Bickford
-Nick
Park/ Peter Lord/ Aardman Animation
-Superheroes
-Catwoman
-Batman
-The Joker
-Superman
-The Punisher
-X-Men
-Wolverine
-Daredevil
-Elektra
-Hulk
-Spider-Man
-Dream/ Morpheus/ “The Sandman”
-Death
-Delirium
-Swamp Thing
-Preacher
-Hellblazer
-Animal Man
-Doom Patrol
-Miracleman
-Concrete
-Dazzler
-Rogue
-The Black Cat
-Black Widow
-Diamondback
-Spider-Woman
-Green Arrow
-The Phantom Stranger
-Wonder Woman
-Ariel, The Little
Mermaid
Music
The Melodic Addiction
Music
vs. Drugs
Freeing the Creative Spirit and Emotions With Music
Making Night Art with
Music
Healing/ Empathy Music
Music as Release
Sonic Sails
Media and Music as Companions
Music
for Treating Loss
Personal
Favorite Music Albums
The Music
Memories
-Björk/ The Sugarcubes
-Nine Inch Nails/ Trent Reznor
-David Bowie/ “Ziggy Stardust”/ “Alladin Sane”
-Brian
Wilson/ The Beach Boys
-Bob Dylan
-Tori Amos
-Janis Joplin
-Public Enemy
-Jimi Hendrix
-The Doors/ Jim Morrison/ The Doors
-Bob Marley
-Sting/ The Police
-Frank Zappa
-Fiona Apple
-Jeff Buckley
-Tupac
Shakur
-Nick
Drake
-Lou
Reed/ The Velvet Underground
-Laurie
Anderson
-Pearl
Jam/ Eddie Veddar
-Eric Clapton/ Derek and the Dominoes/ Cream
-Radiohead
-Marilyn
Manson
-The
Grateful Dead
-Beck
-Moby
-Kate Bush
-Joy Division/ Ian Curtis
-New Order
-Pink Floyd
-Steely Dan
-Ennio
Morricone
-John Williams
-Jerry Goldsmith
-The
Rolling Stones
-Miles
Davis
-R.E.M./
Michael Stipe
-Fleetwood
Mac
-Steve Nicks
-Michael Jackson
-The Smashing Pumpkins/ Billy Corgan
-Bruce Springsteen
-Ludwig
van Beethoven
-Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
-Tom
Waits
-Joni Mitchell
-The
Flaming Lips
-Aerosmith
-Tammy Wynette
-Marvin Gaye
-Johnny Cash
-Billy Joel
-Pulp
-Peter Gabriel
-Bryan
Ferry/ Roxy Music
-Patsy Cline
-Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
-Iggy Pop
-Led Zeppelin
-Genesis
-Phil
Collins
-Sheryl Crow
-The
Eagles
-Don
Henley
-Stevie Wonder
-Eminem
-The Pretenders/ Chrissie Hynde
-Alice Cooper
-Simon and Garfunkel
-Paul Simon
-Dave Matthews Band
-Jane’s Addiction/ Perry Farrell/ Porno for Pyros
-P.J. Harvey
-Elvis Costello
-Cyndi Lauper
-The Who
-Aimee Mann/ ‘Til
Tuesday
-Sex Pistols
-The Clash
-Brian Eno
-Willie Nelson
-Phillip Glass
-P.M. Dawn
-Cat
Stevens
-Tears for Fears
-Pet Shop Boys
-Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan
-The Chemical Brothers
-The Band
-Tricky
-Ozzy
Osbourne/ Black Sabbath
-Madonna
-Guns N’ Roses
-Garbage
-Husker Du
-The Replacements
-My Bloody Valentine
-The Doobie Brothers
-Procul Harum
-Urge Overkill
-Red Hot Chili Peppers
-Green Day
-The Eurythmics
-John Coltrane
-Prince
-Randy Newman
-Paula Abdul
-Huey Lewis and the News
-Jackson Browne
-Alanis Morissette
-Glenn Gould
-Leadbelly
-Richie Havens
-Elton John
-The
Cars
-Little Feat
-Frank
Sinatra
-Crowded House
-Todd Rundgren
-Matthew Sweet
-Lionel Richie
-Mike & The Mechanics
-The Bangles
-Carly Simon
-
-Julian
Lennon
-Yo-Yo Ma
-The Minutemen
-Peter Tchaikovsky
-Folk Implosion
-Crosby, Stills & Nash/ Crosby, Stills,
Nash & Young
-David
Crosby
-Stephen Stills
-Lauryn Hill
-Patti Smith
-Midnight
Oil
-Phish
-Suede
-Lenny Kravitz
-Rod Stewart
-Hole
-They Might Be Giants
-INXS
-Woody Guthrie
-Billy Idol
-George Michael/ Wham!
-Robbie Williams
-Bonnie Raitt
-Enigma
-Alan Parsons Project
-Nico
-The Orb
-Oasis
-Kool and the Gang
-No Doubt
-Ryan Adams
-Jay-Z
-James Brown
-Waylon
Jennings
-Ray Charles
-The Ramones
-The Boomtown Rats
-Tim Buckley
-Ministry
-Kanye West
-Portishead
-Wilco
-Metallica
-Mono
-50 Cent
-Double
-Gorillaz
-Nino
-Filter
-Love and Rockets
-Blondie
-The White Stripes/ The Raconteurs/ Jack
White
-Emiliana Torrini
-Bauhaus
-The Verve
-The Bee Gees
-Queen/ Freddie Mercury
-Rammstein
-LL Cool J
-Primus
-Daniel Johnston
-Olivia Newton-John
-Lisa Gerrard/ Dead Can Dance
-Sarah McLachlan
-Gary Numan
-Leonard Cohen
-Electric Light Orchestra
-The Moody Blues
-
-Leftfield
-Klaus Nomi
-Orchestral Manoeuvres
in the Dark
-Sublime
-The Carpenters
-Beastie Boys
-Coldplay
-Def Leppard
-Israel
“Iz” Kamakawiwo'ole
-Van
Halen
-Duran
Duran
-The Church
-The Notorious B.I.G.
-Natalie Merchant/
10,000 Maniacs
-OutKast
-Janis
Ian
-Jets
-Tina Turner
-Bryan Adams
The Revelation and Salvation of Movies, Music, and
Media on Me
Movies I Adore
Empathy Movies
Taking
Notes on Movies I Watch
Notes,
Observations, and Reviews on My Personal Favorite and Most Influential Movies
-Batman
Returns
-Ordinary People
-Schindler’s List
-Big
-Testament
-Natural Born Killers: The Director’s Cut
-American Beauty
-What Dreams
May Come
-Thelma and Louise
My Academy Awards Speechs
Watching DVDs for Creativity
Artistic Osmosis from
Movies
Movies as a Medicine
Movies
as Mirrors
Watching Movies to Find an Identity
"Who
Am I To Be?”
Myself
as Movie Actor
Adoration of Movie
Actress Goddesses
The Movie Memories
Movie Directors/ Producers
-Music Video Directors
-The 1970s New
-Steven Spielberg
-Frank Capra
-
-George Lucas/ the Star Wars films
-Alfred
Hitchcock
-Francois Truffaut
-Robert Altman
-Woody Allen
-Ingmar Bergman
-Federico Fellini
-Terry Gilliam
-David
Lynch
-Rod Serling/ “The Twilight Zone”
-Richard Matheson/ “The Twilight Zone”
-Oliver Stone
-Spike Lee
-Martin
Scorsese
-Quentin
Tarantino
-John
Huston
-Jerry
Zucker/ Jim Abrahams/ David Zucker
-George
A. Romero/ Night of the Living Dead/ Dawn of the Dead
-Tim
Burton
-Ed
Wood
-Terry
Zwigoff
-Orson Welles
-Wim Wenders
-Michael Moore
-Peter Greenaway
-Jane Campion
-Joel and Ethan Coen
-Robert Rodriguez
-David Fincher
-Akira Kurosawa
-Ken Russell
-Sam Raimi
-Nicolas Roeg
-Sergio Leone
-Wes Craven
-Rob Reiner
-Norman Jewison
-Cameron Crowe
-John Frankenheimer
-
-Jim Jarmusch
-Michael Mann
-David Cronenberg
-Hayao Miyazaki
-Roman Polanski
-The Brothers Quay
-Paul Thomas Anderson
-Roger Corman
-Michel Gondry
-Chris Cunningham
-Spike Jonze
-Gene Roddenberry
-Peter Weir
-Atom Egoyan
-Ron Howard
-Kevin Smith
-Terrance Malick
-Busby
-Neil Jordan
-Henry Jaglom
-Chris
Smith
-Sidney Lumet
-Joe Dante
-Alan
Ball
-Krzysztof Kieslowski
-Sydney Pollack
-John Sayles
-Brian De Palma
-Georges Méliès
-Melvin van Peebles
-Stephane Sednaoui
-Mark Romanek
-Jonathan Glazer
-Anton Corbijn
-John Carpenter
-Jean-Pierre Jeunet
-Wes Anderson
-Maya Deren
-Paul Mazursky
-Leni
Riefenstahl
-Gus Van Sant
-Steven Soderbergh
-Dario Argento
-Kinji Fukasaku
-John Waters
-Alexandro Jodorowsky
-Paul
Cox
-Werner Herzog
-Frank Henenlotter
-James Cameron
Actors
-Christian
Slater/ “Hard Harry Hard-On”/ “Mark Hunter”/ Pump Up The Volume
-Winona Ryder/ “Veronica Sawyer”/ Heathers
-Judy
Davis/ “George Sand”/ Impromptu
-Gary
Oldman
-Tom Hanks/ “Josh Baskin”/ Big
-John Cusack/ “Lloyd Dobler”/ Say Anything…
-Charlie Chaplin/ The Great Dictator
-The Marx Brothers
-Peter Sellers
-Robin Williams
-Andy Kaufman
-Lenny Bruce
-James Dean
-Robert De Niro/ “Travis Bickle”/ Taxi Driver
-Al
Pacino/ “Michael Corleone”/ The
Godfather Saga
-Dustin
Hoffman
-Marlon
Brando
-Robert
Duvall/ The Apostle
-George
C. Scott/ Patton
-Peter
O’ Toole/ Lawrence of
-Buster Keaton
-Cate
Blanchett
-Yvonne
Craig/ “Batgirl”
-Julie
Newmar/ “Catwoman”
-Lynda Carter/ “Wonder Woman”
-Jeri Ryan/ “Seven of
Nine”
-Dawn Wells/ “Mary Ann”
-Clint
Eastwood/ “Dirty Harry”/ “The Man With No Name”
-Jack
Lemmon
-Jessica
Lange/ Frances Farmer/ Frances
-Harrison Ford/ “
-John Cleese
-Sylvester Stallone/ “Rocky”
-Steve Martin
-Juliette Binoche
-Julie Andrews
-Sean Penn
-Samuel L.
-Kevin Spacey
-
-Kevin Costner
-Jeff Bridges
-Harvey Keitel
-Billy Bob Thornton
-Tim Robbins
-Bruce Willis
-Ben Kingsley
-Naomi Watts
-Russell Crowe
-Sissy Spacek
-Charlize Theron
-Tom Cruise
-
-Jay Leno
-Bruce Lee
-John Goodman
-Julianne Moore
-Andre Gregory
-Gregory Peck
-Ed Harris
-Sam Kinison
-Kate Winslet
-Ethan Hawke
-Hugh Jackman
-John Travolta
-Michael Caine
-Jack Nicholson
-Gene Wilder
-Kim Basinger
-Kurt Russell
-Geena
Davis
-Eddie Murphy
-Bette Midler
-Debra
Winger
-Paul Hogan/ “Crocodile”
-Peter Weller/ Robocop
-Michael Douglas
-David Caruso
-Melanie Griffith
-Barbra Streisand
-Danny Glover
-Will Smith
-James Woods
-Molly Ringwald
-Nicholas Cage
-Ann-Margret
-Richard Dreyfuss
-Ned Beatty
-Dennis Quaid
-Drew Barrymore
-Ian
McKellen
-Liam Nelson
-Brandon Lee
-James Gandolfini
-William H. Macy
-George
Carlin
-Sigourney
Weaver
-Jennifer Connelly
-Hugh Grant
-Mark Wahlberg
-Natalie
Portman
-Jamie
Foxx
-
-Cameron Diaz
-Kiefer Sutherland
-Robert Redford
-Morgan
Freeman
-David Duchovny
-John
Belushi
-Jane Fonda
-Bruce Campbell
-Roseanne
-Angelina Jolie
-Phil Hartman
-Edward Norton
-Matthew Broderick
-Jodie Foster
-Rosie O’Donnell
-The
Three Stooges
-Ralph Fiennes
-Dave Chappelle
-Audrey Hepburn
-Don Cheadle
-Tim Allen
-Robert Downey Jr.
-Adam West/ "Batman"
-Rachel Griffiths
-Christian
Bale
-James
Stewart
-Billy
Crystal
-Matt
Damon
-
-Mark Ruffalo
-Gilda Radner
-Kyra Sedgwick
-William Shatner/
“Captain Kirk”
-Leonard Nimoy/ “Mr.
Spock”
-Maureen McCormick/ “Marcia
Brady”
-Bob Denver/
“Gilligan” from Gilligan’s Island
-Michelle Pfeiffer/
“Catwoman”
-Anthony Hopkins
-Bill Maher
-Joan Crawford
-Denis
Leary
Miscellaneous Individuals
-Jesus Christ/ The Last Temptation of Christ
-My Family
-Mom and Dad - My
Accidental, Default Artists
-A
Tribute to My Friends
-Thomas Edison
-Albert
Einstein
-Howard Hughes
-Gandhi
-Martin
Luther King Jr.
-Thomas
Jefferson
-Barack
Obama
-Harvey
Milk
-Joan
of Arc
-Rocky Dennis/ Mask
-Nostradamus
-Christopher
Columbus
-John Muir
-Fredrick Nietzsche
-Jean-Paul Sartre
-Napoleon Bonaparte
-Muhammad Ali
-Malcolm X
-Alfred Kinsey
-Timothy Treadwell
-Betty Page
-Siskel & Ebert
-Maya Lin
And Finally – “Why?”
Reactions and Responses
Think About It….
Final Word
Prologue:
Crucial Quotes
"To get to the point, I’ve always had what you
might call a ‘mission’ (a real obsession) to write autobiographical work and
get it before a readership. In fact, since I was at school I’ve been determined
to do so - having a ‘communication problem’ such as autism, it’s no surprise
I’ve been literally bursting to communicate all my life... I’m gonna apologise
(in advance) for the long length of this letter - I can't write a short one.
Can't help myself… I was only diagnosed as having Asperger’s syndrome last
October... aged 31... (really damn late), so I’d lived, up to that point, in
complete bewilderment and frustration, and, though I knew I was ‘different’, I
despaired of ever getting any ANSWERS as to why, and in what way, I was
different. Prior to my diagnosis I had written and drawn many comic strips, but
had always found something was lacking... a ‘theme’, I suppose. Something that
would tie it all together... help me understand all the disconnected
fragments... (my perception of the world is, by nature, fragmented) and get
some coherence to it all. Then I got this ‘label’, and everything started to
make sense... My life was, to me, a puzzle to solve. I always liked that line
“Every human being has a project” (Jean-Paul Sartre)... I’m beginning to make
sense of my world, and at the risk of sounding arrogant, I feel sure it’s an
interesting journey, and I’m determined to make it a public one. Needless to
say, the need to communicate and receive feedback is IMMENSE." -Excerpts
from a story about Colin Warneford, a autistic writer/ artist, from American Splendor by Harvey Pekar.
“‘I
think any tough time you go through, any real crisis where you break down, then
survive, leaves you in a far different place from where you were. Generally, I
feel that people who have been traumatized tend to develop levels and wrinkles
that really add something to them.’ For Francis, this meant adding to an
already active imagination.” – Francis Ford Coppola: exert from Francis Ford Coppola: A Filmmaker’s Life
by Michael Schumacher.
“Wait ‘til they get a load of me….” –Jack
Nicholson as the Joker in “Batman” (1989).
“You
ever get the feeling… that you’re different.” -from DEMO #12: Mon Dernier Jour Avec Toi (My Last Night With You).
“Some kind of solitude is measured out in you. You think you know me but you haven’t got a clue.” –"Hey Bulldog” by The Beatles.
“I’m not a
genius. I’m just a hard-working guy.” –Brian Wilson of The Beach Boys.
DEMO #1: NYC:
“Hey, you ever get this weird feeling that you're different somehow. Like that
you have something special, an ability or physical trait of some kind that sets
you apart from everyone else?"
“Nirvana:
Bare Witness”: “Genius usually isn’t recognized except in hindsight.”
“I’ve written
pieces of the story down. It needed to be told. Even if no one will ever read
it.” -from Avengers/ Invaders #12.
The Why
I’ve been obsessed for several years
having people understand me in order to relate me. I’ve written down my deepest
feelings and thoughts to make an emotional connection. I poured my emotions
into the words and art that I create that it pains me if people don’t feel for
it.
Some
people come up to me and question how I could possibly “think up” the art
pieces that I’ve done. They confess that they do the same things I do: drive
the same interstates, watch the same TV shows, drink the same water. How could
I possibly be so different and dream what I dream? I believe I became who I am
through a fusion of a multitude of elements. I had the deep emotions, ambition,
introspection, escapist daydreamer
traits, immense focus, “right brain” characteristics, and (lastly) a workaholic
drive that allowed me to be a good artist and a creative human being. I
obsessively tapped into various mines of great imagination, emotion, and art
through movies, music, comic books, fine art, and dance. It created an advanced
and enhanced fantasy world in me that others can’t possibly comprehend dreaming
up.
We all need my guides, my role
models, in our lives. As an artist, I often feel that I’m all alone out here,
on my journey as artist and human being. Throughout my life, I needed to write
down information about my role models because I needed to be reminded of who
has been inspiring me for so long. There are days when nothing builds you up
enough to do anything creative. Being able to resource the people that helped
mold my creative self is integral for me to understanding myself and why I
should keep making art. I needed to know about them in order to thrive… and
survive. They are my life preservers, my creative oxygen, my artistic gods.
They are what empowers me.
So I’ve spent the past four
years compiling together this massive paper that explores and reveals my own
personal role models. I’ve found it very useful not just for a better
understanding of myself, but for other people to find a way to articulate and
define themselves as well. It is a teaching method in itself.
Where Did I Get My Creativity?
I must admit that neither of my
parents were artists in a “creative” or “imaginative” sort of way in which I
could have inherited these qualities from. Also, I didn’t have any creative
aunts or uncles, except for my aunt Lorna (my mother’s sister) who painted
portraits and flowers from time to time. So being a creative kid growing up
made me feel somewhat alienated since I didn’t have someone to look up to in a
visionary artist sense. My oldest sister, Lara, had very good artistic skills,
though she didn’t fully develop them past seventh grade art classes and 4-H. I
knew I wanted to become an artist or moviemaker, but where could I look for
guidance, and who inspired me in the first place to even want to be an artist
or moviemaker?
The following list is where I got my creativity and
inspiration. They are the ones who guided my dreams and aspirations. In a way,
they became my creative family. They are the
sources and role models I discovered throughout my life that guided me into the
individual artist I became. These are the notes
I took on them based upon how closely they affected me or
how much I empathized with them. These people are not who’s “hip” or cool at
the moment. They are individuals who will remain exciting, vital, important,
and inspiring because of their body of work that they left behind. It doesn’t
go “out of fashion” in a year. They have staying power. Their
work all had the content and the meaning behind it to make it last. When work
continues to impress for years and generations, that is art to me.
Behind the Creativity, Urgency, Emotions, and Ideas
Role models are in short supply. They just are in
this cynical age. You can’t always empathize with or look up to politicians,
religious leaders, parents, siblings, teachers. I know that most artists are
certainly not the greatest people,
but I do respect them as artists and dreamers. The Lou Reeds, the Edgar Allen
Poes, the Vincent van Goghs, the John Lennons: they are my idols and messengers
of feelings, expression, and imagination. I recognize that some of these people
have had “bad habits”, but I want to concentrate on their more magical,
profound, artistic sides.
Sometimes, I deeply wonder how I ever managed to get into movies, comic
books, and Vincent van Gogh because I never had anyone in my youth who inspired
me to relish these things. Somehow, my curiosity led me to the library or a
bookstore where I discovered them. I sought out these places because I was
bored by my surroundings in a small town (sports, parties with beer, high
school). Logically, I should have gone to a normal college majoring in
Education (probably art education or writing) because that was what my parents
and sisters did. Were all those years of teasing and rejections so upsetting
that I didn't want to take part in their
world anymore? I had to find a route through dreams in order to escape from
normalcy and to become a better person.
You may also notice
that my letters and writings come out of my journals. I write them to find out
who I am. They really don't have any power until years later when I re‑read
them and discover how much I've grown and changed. Since you are a
significant part of my life, you have a right to read them to learn who I am,
as well. I sometimes hate phone conversations because we have to keep talking
continuously, superficially about "how our lives are going"
and “about the weather” instead of really dealing with and expressing
ourselves. Writing a journal really allows oneself to come clean with one’s
emotions and imagination, to be truly introspective, and to have the time to
express oneself when one feels more inspired and most alive.
If I made an honest
movie about my thoughts, I would be rated [NC‑17]. It matters how mature
one handles how many vulgar words, sexual knowledge, and dark emotions. Some of
my peers would easily be rated [X] or worse.
I enjoy being other people.
Being only one personality just gets dull and plaintive after a lifetime. What
I come down to is that I feel boring on most days. I want to feel alive
again… born renew. So sometimes I’ll slip into an other’s charismatic persona
just to feel more alive and vibrant. In a way I’m consciously trying to change
my personality so people won’t be able to figure me out too easily. I can’t
stand being predictable. So that is why I keep changing from one mask to
another. Isn’t that what all people do throughout their lives any ways? Going
from wearing one mask to another?
I’ll take on playing Dennis Quaid New Orleans charismatic
cop character in “The Big Easy” because he’s infinitely more interesting and
devilishly romantic than I am. And women respond more to him than me. I don’t
want to be passed over anymore!! I have to be different or I’ll continue to get
rejected. So I take on a role model and alter who I am to fit into that mold.
Another day I’ll play Al Pacino’s Michael Corleone
in “The Godfather Part II” because I find his character’s power and ambition to
be extremely addictive. I want to have those characteristics as well. I don’t
want to be looked down on and feel nervous all the time. I loved Pacino’s cool
and intensity. He was the boss of everyone around him. (Yet I also took
note of his character’s flaws in losing those closest to him, as well.)
We all take on characteristics that we ourselves do
not possess. Who hasn’t dreamed of being a superhero like Superman or
Spider-Man and wanted to save innocent people from the doers of evil?!? We
identify with those around us that we see as greater than who we are and aspire
to be them. I am a dreamer; and because of this personality attribute, I find
myself living and feeling those characters. Through the power of
my imagination, I can be whoever I dare to dream of being. There is a thin line
between reality and fantasy when I do this, a dance between being oneself and
living in one’s own fantasy world. But it’s more like testing the waters and
finding out if I enjoy the ocean of a new attitude. If I do, I’ll stay in there
and allow the personality to seep into my skin and become part of me.
Therefore, I become a man of a thousands personalities and personas – a living
enigma because I can’t be summed up into one. I am everyone.
Confused Dualities
I think the reason some people
have been confused if I’m actually bisexual is that I absorb human
traits from people I’m around, read and in the movies. With Laurence of Arabia
(as played by Peter O’ Toole) is a role model of mine, I am attracted to his
charisma and his passion. I also take on a few of his other “sensitive” aspects
of his personality. I consider him me. Yet he may be a great homosexual
antihero, but I’m still me! I pick up some of his characteristics because I
admire him, but I’m still not that person. After hundreds of role models that
I’ve admired, I’ve evolved into a highly complex, nearly schizophrenic human
being – a living actor in life nonetheless. I am a Polish Jew from having
deeply watched The Pianist. I connected with the character through a
heightened sense of empathy. Yet what keeps me together is that I know who I am
at my core. I know the simple, raw functionality of my soul. And that is what
keeps me sane. I’m an actor. I’m a writer. I’m a dreamer. I make believe in a
make believe world. I have the power to place myself into the minds and characters
around me.
There have been times in my life
where people have asked me if talent is something people come with genetically
and simply have “it”. I believe that talent is something that is developed
through time from technical training, skills, hard work, and patience.
Imagination also happens to be a key main ingredient to this stew called art. Personally, I grew up in a small
town environment that didn’t encourage creative or artistic development.
Knowing that I was different and was curious
of the arts, I sought out those who might inspire me. I spent months in the
local libraries reading “Rolling Stone”, “Entertainment Weekly”, and other
magazines that were available to find out more about musicians and movie
directors. Once I found the creative individuals that I particularly found
fascinating and had an emotional kinship to, I researched them some more by
reading their biographies. (Neil Young, Kurt Cobain, and John Lennon come to
mind.) Through the creative work of role models, only then did I feel that I
found myself and who I wanted to be as an artist/ creative type. Having just
imagination isn’t enough. You have to focus it. I did so by going to art school
and finding my artistic soul mates.
I believe the purpose of
“Empathy Files” is to show to other artists and students what another artist’s
inspirations and motivators are. To me, it’s like genealogy, the finding of the
roots of one’s family, which happens to be something my sister does a great
deal of. It’s important to understand why one became who they are and why they
even make art in the first place. I became personally obsessed with the paper
because it was a search for who I was. If people don’t understand you, you better
understand yourself. So here is how I understood myself. I found myself through
my role models. I found confidence and direction through these people, movies,
and media.
Through these writings you will
understand the equation that makes the mad-man-child artist in me. I’m Vincent
van Gogh + Pablo Picasso / Steven Spielberg x
Finding Your Role
Models
11-10-02:
It’s vastly important to find out that one’s own
role models kept sensitive, introspective journals like I do. I don’t see it as
an “invasion of privacy”. I see it as finding one’s kindred spirits and
discovering that I’m not alone in the how I feel. Hey now, that’s art. A book
like “Kurt Cobain: Journals” grants a terrific insight into one of the great
songwriter's of his generation, as well as to what goes through the mind of an
artist. Kurt Cobain was quite an introspective individual and his journals
bring an interesting philosophical perspective on the human condition of being
an emotional, passionate, artistic human being. He examines the unbearable
weight of being. His words are filled with blunt honesty and innocence
that I can't help but feel for him. And that’s what I go for when I
wrote my own journals. They’re a private confessional that I’m willing to
expose to the public for the purpose of enhancing the sensitivity of society to
what it feels like to be an outcast artist.
Reading through
Kurt's journals helps justify the existence and worth of keeping my own
journal. I need to read someone else's private thoughts in order to refuel my
desire to keep expressing my own - especially in a world that doesn't endorse
self-expression or self-confession. Writing down one's feelings is a brave act
that should be encouraged. That's what I'm getting out of reading his journals
- encouragement and enlightenment. I'm not alone in how I think and feel. That
makes me feel better.
Many of Nirvana’s lyrics came from Kurt’s journals.
Reading his journals is a fascinating sneak peek into the creative, “deranged”
mind of a genius.
“If you read, you’ll judge”…
"Don't read my diary when I'm gone”… “Ok, I'm going to work now, when you
wake up this morning, please read my diary. Look through my things, and figure
me out."--Kurt
5-1-04:
What makes me feel even worse is to be around
people who I don’t feel “good” around and I sense that I am wasting my time by
being with them. They are not driven by dreams, but my vulgarity and sexual
pursuits. That’s a major dilemma for me if I’m around people who don’t know how
or care to dream. And it’s because of this that I don’t relate to adulthood.
I’m a 27-year-old child with dreams. It’s my curse as well as my gift. That’s
why I’m so attracted to these various artists, actors, musicians, and film
directors such as Björk, Andy Kaufman, Steven Spielberg, Neil Young, Salvador
Dali, and John Lennon. They’re the dreamers who still have something to believe
in besides screwing, making babies, and small talking. I compulsively watch
movies because they are a retreat, a vacation to places where I can hang out
with other dreamers. I feel that I have at least tried to make the best
of the life that I’ve been given.
Finding Other Individuals and
Learning
7-15-03: I
am not like everyone else. Hence, I’ve lived with a certain degree of
loneliness and isolation. I’m so different that I need the company of those who
feel like I feel. This compilation of role models is a reference not just for
myself, but for others as well so they can understand my actions and
personality better. I desperately want people to empathize with me and see my
point of view better. This is an essay to gain and heighten people’s
sensitivity. I haven’t acted the way others do in life. I’ve been
unconventional to the point where I haven’t fit into any one category besides
that of “artist”. These are my inspirations and lifesavers. They are the people
who have elevated my self-esteem during times of confusion. I feel that I’ve
done the right thing with my life through having learned from their lives,
words, images, and songs. Its taken courage to be an individual and be
independent in a society where 99.999% of the population does what everyone
else does. It’s like living in a world of clones, and you’re an alien.
How do you deal with “genius”
when no one else recognizes it except you? I read about other geniuses and find
out how they coped with living their lives, both professionally and personally.
Some people might call this activity anti-social. I consider it deeply
meaningful.
I felt such extraordinary alienation in society that I just had to produce this list of people I
empathized with and felt comfort from knowing. When I was down, they are the
ones who lifted me out of depression and isolation. This list is my dept of
honor to them to honor them. I found such comfort in the presence of their art,
be in movies, music, literature, graphic novels, or interviews. These were my
artistic soul mates. They helped me form the artist I am today.
I’ve found a lot of satisfaction
and pleasure in compiling this “Role Models” compilation writing since I’ve
been able to edit and root through my own personal journals and use the exerts
and notes I took on those who influenced me along the way of life’s
development. It justifies all the time I spent on writing, reading, and
organizing these words and feelings in the first place throughout the years of
my life. I wanted to understand what it was like to be an artist. I didn’t want
to forget the lines, sentiments, and facts that I found so personally
compelling to me that I had to write it down. I am here to learn as well
as absorb. I also wanted to find my
role models in order to understand myself and them better. And in the process,
share these words with others so they also can understand themselves better as
well so they don’t feel quite so alone in how they feel about themselves. This
is how I developed into the artist I am. Now others can figure out how they got
to be the way they are as well. These are the Empathy Files.
I was reading the autobiography
of Marlon Brando and found it extremely enlightening and empathetic in learning
of the disclosed personal thoughts, sentiments, and memoirs of another creative
personality type who had similar emotional experiences as I. This is a form of
empathy art and empathy healing. To read what another has gone
through and to learn from their own life experiences offers solace, peace,
meditation, and comfort to one’s own life problems. People spend thousands of
dollars talking their problems out with a therapist when they could choose an
alternative form of self-discovery through another’s life story and words. I
bought the Brando autobiography at a used book store for just under $6! And it
told me more about suffering and healing, failing and winning than I ever could
have gotten out of $10,000+ worth of psychiatric visits. And there are other
destructive forms of false-healing through alcoholism, drug abuse, promiscuity,
and self-delusions. One just needs to find the truth about oneself rather than
running away. Only there will one find a true form of healing through personal
freedom.
What Also Can
Be Learned
Also,
one of the most important aspects of the whole writing of “The Empathy Files”
paper is to learn from the mistakes that were made by my own role models. The
drug use, the alcoholism, the promiscuity, the insanity, the divorces…. It can
all be avoided to a certain extent by finding knowledge and understanding
through research and empathy. And that is also why I find it so important to
share this information with other people, especially fellow artists, so they
also don’t fall into the same traps and pratfalls that trouble creative people.
The Role Model V.I.P. List
The
exerts and notes taken on Vincent van Gogh, Salvador Dali, and Dave McKean
(artists), Neil Young, Kurt Cobain, John Lennon, The Pixies, Björk, and Sinead
O’ Connor (musicians), Neil Gaiman and Alan Moore (writers), and Steven
Spielberg, Stanley Kubrick,
and Woody Allen (directors) are the most important role models of all
listed in their specific category. These individuals and artists represent who
I am or maybe who I most wish to be. They are the purest role models that
appealed to my personality. But keep in mind they are not the sole, central
figures either. I take my influences from everyone and everywhere. It doesn’t
matter what race, creed, color, religion, or whatever. So many have left their
fingerprints upon my imagination and emotions.
Written From Various Stages of My Life
While
you are reading this, understand that I wrote this massive writing since 1993
at very different emotional stages in my life, when I was high and low, on top
of a mountain and down in an abyss. It was also written during various phases
of maturity and personal mindset of who I was and how I was feeling at
the time. People change subtly and greatly through time. Though I may
not be the same person who wrote page 34, I do retain some aspect or
perspective of what was written at the time. It’s still some part of me, for
which I have many points of view of this thing called life.
One Last Thing…
And
finally, feel free to skip around and to various sections that interest you,
the reader, the most. Pick an area, skim through its contents, choose a few
individuals you also admire, and read up about them. You may find yourself
learning more about them of how they influenced you by learning how they
influenced me.
Extreme Emotions, Personal Demons, and Crazy Conditions
Empathy
Obviously, this is the first item on the list.
Throughout my life, I’ve always felt like I’ve felt too much inside and for
what other people are feeling. There’s been a point where I do have to turn off
my emotions and try to be numb inside so I wouldn’t feel quite so crushed by
the weight of all that I felt. It’s certainly one of those clichés where it’s a
gift and curse. Empathy is the reason that provoked me to compile this whole
article personality research paper in the first place. Empathy is what
ultimately formed my personality.
Boredom
Boredom:
it’s something we rarely think about since we’re trying hard to avoid it. Yet
it is the very key to what provokes us as creative human beings (all of us) to
work, breath, thrive, dream. I use my
own acute boredom as an artistic drive. I admit it… I
create art when I’m feeling desperately bored and restless. If we were comfortable with our lives, why would we want to create
anything new? Boredom is the catalysis to expressing ourselves.
Some
critics say that if you make art it’s just because you have too much extra time
on your hands. That’s a bit too simplified, naïve, and rude. An artist has to
have the attention span of a flea and have a constant need to change and grow.
Boredom does spawn creativity - because an artist always wants something new
and meaningful out of life. They make a huge personal sacrifice to make a difference. The journey will either make
you go insane or touch brilliance (or both).
To be brutally honest about art, there are times when
I personally make art for the simple reason that I am desperately “bored” with the world. I have to counter-attack the
urgency of feeling useless with creative expression. I’m a workaholic artist -
I want to do something with my
life... if not rule the world. For no
other reason would I sketch on a notebook pad or experiment in a computer art
software package. I wish to ease the stress in my mind, emotions, and imagination.
I also choose to do art because it allows me the opportunity to listen to music
while I work. The music then allows me to enter a state of consciousness that
keeps me focused on the artistic process. The boredom I use is when I’m alone
in a secluded environment (my studio) where I will have no distractions. Be
forewarned: there are days when absolutely no ideas occur when I’m bored and
stuck with waiting in a vain creativity that produces a feeling total
emptiness. This can be extremely emotionally painful when you’re used to being
inspired and productive. Moral: It’s just something you have to accept.
Bored
with Living
The reason I act so
"weird" and creative is that I am so bored with living. My body
naturally provokes original thoughts out of me so I can keep feeling happy
about myself. That is why I cherish being artistic and being able to express
myself. It is so very necessary for me to feel positive that I am making the
best for my life. It is beyond my abilities to control how dull and repetitive
life can be. But I can make my own life become extraordinary. It is my
responsibility to myself… with utmost urgency. So I do not care that people
call me “weird” or a “loner”. It is my debt to myself. I do not care to live a
living suicide of self-aware boredom.
Restlessness
For practically every day, I feel rather nervous if
I’m not making myself productive. I have a feeling of constant restlessness. If
I go on vacation, I take cameras along to record any images I might see. If I
find myself with nothing to do or say, I’d gladly take out the trash - I just
want to be useful in some way. Even these words I write are a mark of my very
creative and physical restlessness. I want to document everything I feel
because I feel too much. It’s like a form of obsessive-compulsive creativity. There is a part of me that
has to be creative. I can’t help but wake up in the morning and yearn to
express myself. It’s what I do.
“I must have my work to forget
myself or an inexpressible melancholy will crush me”... “A fire inside me that
I cannot quench, but I must keep ablaze”...
“To express sincere human feeling.” -Quote from the letters of Vincent
Van Gogh.
Passion
Pain and loneliness are the
crucial ingredients for making the tortured passionate artist in me.
“He’s got issues,” they
say. Well, you better have “issues” if you’re doing art! Where else will you
find the content and the passion to do work!?
A
“Learning Disability”
I’ve been meeting a
great deal of teenage-to-early-adult artist students who have been diagnosed
with ADD for the “condition” lately. They usually have a low GPA for not doing
well in math and science, but excelling greatly in visual arts and media in
highly advanced ways. Even though they have low grades, that doesn’t mean
they’re not gifted. In addition,
several of them continue to mention to me how bad their reactions have been to
the medication they’ve been taking. Some simply vomit the pills; others vomit blood and can’t make it to classes
for over a week. As a fellow artist whose brain can’t function or comprehend
math and science, I feel a sense of empathy for them. A few people think I have
ADD as well. I was diagnosed with a “learning disability” when I was in the
first grade. But since I got a high GPA in throughout my schooling years in
junior and high school, did that mean that I didn’t have ADD then? And how did
I manage to do this with a “learning disability”? I simply came in for extra
hours to keep up my grades by getting tutored in my math and science classes. I
learned that I had to work hard. But
I also knew that I was right-brained and had an extremely active imagination. I
simply understood and comprehended things better by seeing
them as visuals rather than abstract numbers and formulas. I also knew that the
school systems across the country catered more to the majority, which is those
who think left-brained, analytically.
And for not being able to understand commands, lessons, and tutorials that are
meant for left-brained people, I felt lost on a daily basis. Now the professionals
across the country call this “ADD”, but I know it’s far more than that.
I suffered from low self-esteem throughout
grades 1 through 12 because I couldn’t read as fast as my peers could. And
because of this, I was put into special “slow learners” groups and classes. It
was taking me 5 to 10 minutes to read and comprehend a page of text at a time
while my classmates were able to read a page a minute. But what I realized
years later was that I was reading wasn’t all that interesting that allowed my
brain to be energetic and enthused enough to understand it easier.
Once I found a book I was passionately into (like a film director’s biography),
I was able to read at a much more rapid fashion! But being forced to read books
that you weren’t really into will slow you down. And that’s how it was for me
growing up, struggling like mad to get good grades while feeling frustrated
about learning things I didn’t have much interest in. Only when I got to art
school and learned about software and visual creation techniques did I fully
feel like my right-brained side was being fully engaged. Only there did I find
myself reaching my true potential.
Kids who are going up realizing that they are
artists have to go through a hellish period of being diagnosed with a “disease”
that isn’t really a problem. They’re just victims to the maladjusted society
around them. Society wants them to conform to their way of thinking so they can
be just like them and fit in. There are fascist undertones that we have to
realize and be made aware of so we can accept those who are different, who are
creative, who think in pictures rather than numbers. They are gifted, not
troubled. They are special, not disabled. If a child is diagnosed with ADD
because they can’t figure out math or keep their attention during such classes,
they shouldn’t be seen as “stupid”, “dim”, or “in need of medication”. And
their low GPA shouldn’t disable them from getting scholarships at the schools
they are looking to apply to. They should be shown the benefits to being who
they are as well as being educated about the downsides to being who they are.
Only then will the healing process begin and the real growth process can
proceed.
The rather outrageous conclusion of this book is
that the majority of society has ADD to a certain extent. WE all have several
of these very human traits listed as signs of ADD. Does this mean that the
world universally needs to be on medication because we show signs of
“dysfunctionality”?!?! There’s definitely a gray area of madness in there.
But the bottom line is that I have to humbly accept
that I do have ADD to a certain degree and that I have to be more sensitive to
how I act around people around me because I may not realize the stress I am
causing them. In addiction, I hope that other people realize that I am
different in how I interpret information and how that makes me “special” in a
heightened creative sense. An artist’s sense of creativity is not the same as a
chemist’s sense of creativity. They’re wildly different in abstract terms of
thinking. Emphatic understanding must be made in order for there to be
communication on a sane level.
(Artistically-Inspired) Attention Deficit Disorder
8-5-04:
Traits where I absolutely have ADD: need for stimulation, entertainment, or a
“high” (but doesn’t all media present flashy, quick-cut visuals to give you
easy stimulation?).
Traits
that defer me from not exactly being ADD: I am compulsively neat and
organized, punctual for meetings.
The
thing with Attention Deficit Disorder that I’ve always been affected by is when
I drive on the interstate I have great difficulty maintaining a conversation
with anyone while I am also driving. Because I have ADD, I can’t easily do both
at the same time. It’s simply too much information to take in at the same time!
And there’s the added stress of getting into an auto accident and missing an
exit as well in there. I need to concentrate in order to form sentences. But
honestly, are human beings supposed to be doing these two dangerous things at
once anyways!?! Talking on a cell phone in the car is a leading cause for car
accident in the country today, so I know it isn’t just me who is “distracted”
and “overwhelmed” and needs “medical attention” for my “condition”.
One
thing I’ve learned about ADD is that there is positive ADD and negative ADD.
You can either nurture it or neglect it. I learned early on in my life at the
age of eight that I had it and took classes for it to help me with my slow
learning disabilities. My Attention Deficit Disorder is that I am constantly in
need of wanting to be productive and wanting stimulation. But this is how
creative people are. We expect more out of life than “average” people who
don’t. We want life’s richness and wealth. We want the world and we want it
now. To quote a saying I’d read on a wall of an artist’s workspace I was
recently in: “Aspire to Inspire Before You Expire.” I liked that before I
related to that. It greatly amused me. Artists are always pushing the
boundaries of conventionality. We’re not meant to be like everyone else, nor
should we. And because I feared and foreseen that people would misunderstand
this principle, I compiled my massive, epic “The Empathy Files: My Role Models”
essay to clarify who I considered influences on my character and personality so
people would be so confused and distorted in their way of perception of me. I
am a highly complex man, and it takes a lot to figure me out. A simple
generalization of “He’s got ADD” doesn’t quite begin to cut it”. It goes far
deeper than that, my friend.
I
feel I have nurtured my ADD by using it productively by producing vast,
prolific amounts of artwork and writing in a matter of several years. I’ve
managed to create hundreds of time-based art pieces in the thousands of hours
of hard work I’ve put into my work. I’ve spent my time well. Meanwhile, I know
several other artists also with ADD who don’t have the drive, motivation,
creativity, imagination, and focus to finish or complete one or two pieces
without a few years!! I’ve used my ADD as an asset to my advantage with my
artwork.
However,
I also see where it causes great hardship when it comes to having a personal
life. Now that I’ve entered a new relationship, I’ve learned to put aside my
work and give my new lady my complete attention, ask how her day went,
and offer her my time, my warmth, my hand, and my love. I simply need to
organize my day for a time for work, a time for just me, and a time for my
significant other. And I think that’s wise.
Those
who “need” this thing called “stimulation”. Who exactly are they? I mean,
doesn’t that mean practically all of the
human population to some degree or another? Everyone’s got their
“addictions”. Some smoke for their stimulation. Some screw. Some drink. Some
pray. Some work. Some dance. Some fight. Some watch TV. Some play video games.
So I don’t know what classification you can give this really. It’s too vague
and too generalized to make it have any real sense.
Looking into ADD
(Attention Deficit Disorder)
I continued reading the book
“A.D.D. & Romance”, which my father gave to me as a birthday gift. I’ve
found it rather revealing, especially the chapter about how ADD affects
creativity: “People with ADD have been among the most creative people in the
history of humankind. We know through their biographies that Edison,
The major problem with
diagnosing people with ADD is that ADD has negative connotations attached to
it. This is a “disease” that troubled and problematic teens have that are put
on medication. The aspect that society needs to realize is that there is
positive side to ADD when used in the right ways, such as in creative or
artistic means. The other problem with diagnosing people with ADD is that the
majority of artists would be “diagnosed” with attributes of having ADD. From
what I’ve read in this book, most of my own role models would have ADD of some
kind or another. Based on the biographies I’ve read of these people and from
the worked they’ve produced, the following could have ADD: Alan Moore, Neil
Gaiman, Dave McKean, Chris Claremont, Frank Miller, Stan Lee, Will Eisner,
Grant Morrison, Peter Milligan, Garth Ennis, Brian Bolland, Simon Bisley, Peter
David, Jeff Smith, Paul Chadwick, Moebius, Katsuhiro Otomo, Gary Larson, Gahan
Wilson, Bill Watterson, Dr. Seuss, Matt Groening, Mike Judge, Trey Parker &
Matt Stone, Charles M. Schulz, Robert Crumb, Harvey Pekar, Neil Young, Kurt
Cobain, Björk, John
Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, Bono, Sinead O’ Connor, Trent Reznor, David Bowie, Brian Wilson, Bob Dylan, Tori Amos, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Jim
Morrison, Bob Marley, Sting, Frank Zappa, "Weird Al" Yankovic,
Fiona Apple, Jeff Buckley, Tupac Shakur, Nick
Drake, Lou Reed, Laurie Anderson, Eric Clapton, Marilyn
Manson, Beck, Moby, Kate
Bush, Ennio Morricone, John Barry, Miles Davis, Michael Stipe, Michael
Jackson, Billy Corgan, Bruce Springsteen, Ludwig van Beethoven, and so many
more!
What rather annoys me is that
the creative drive and the creative spirit cannot be summed up with being
diagnosed with ADD. It is made up hundreds of different and conflicting
elements in one’s life. I have been researching where creative thoughts come
from, and I’d have to say that my favorite writer, Alan Moore, came the
closest. (You can read those notes under “Alan Moore” in my “Empathy Files”
essay on my role models.)